Illman (illman) wrote,

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Done complaining - but probably just as pointless and even more random

I've been watching some CSI episodes from last season and am starting to question why I even watched that show last year. The cases aren't bad, but the charaters started to annoy me. Especially Grissom. How someone so socially inept with such poor people skills ever made boss of CSI is beyond me. I don't know why, but his probably supposed to be witty and cryptic comments just seem stupid to me upon rewatching. For me, Grissom's annoyance factor is approaching that of Horatio at an alarming rate. Maybe I'm just over CSI, I've been over the fandom months ago. All the petty bickering among the 'shippers just was too much for me, espcially since I think that any 'shippyness that was there in S1 and S2 has pretty much vanished. Since I've been planning to it down on TV anyways, at least if when I get back to school, it's not so bad. I'll probably stop watching CSI:M as well, not that I was ever really into that, I was just watching it because it was on. On the whole, I'm rather disenchanted about the TV, but that is purely coming from me, and has nothing to do with the lack of quality of TV. TV is supposed to be an escape from real life. It's not supposed to be an effort. It makes me frustrated and angry when I can't follow the plot on the first viewing. And since my vision is still blurry, it's not much to look at either. I have discoverd the joys of watching sports on TV: it's easier to follow and you don't need to see all that well since it's commentated. As long as you know which team is wearing which colour, it's easy to watch.

Friday, I spent half an hour last night resetting the display options for my laptop. I made the fonts and icons larger. The accessibility wizard isn't that bad, except making the font of the wizard more readable would have been nice. Since those options only cover Windows, I'm trying to figure out the magnifier tool. It's slightly crude, but at least I can read what I type in Semagic. It beats struggeling to read from the screen with my nose directly in front of it. That only gives me a headache after half an hour. If I weren't such a internet and TV addict, I'd probably just not use the computer for now. After all, I don't need the computer for anything vital, it's just hobby and entertainment.
After getting things readable, I caught up on the nearly 500 emails, newsletters and pieces of spam that had accumulated while I was away. That took most of the night. I finally fell asleep around 5 a.m. , but slept less than two hours. Made up for it on Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

"I don't know how to deal with this."
"Don't think about it. I don't."
That's my prefered approach to unpleasant truths and memories. I could just go back to the UK, ignore all the adverse cirumstances and do the best I can.
I tried to do some studying on Saturday, but it only ended in major frustration and doubts. Sunday I was just to damn mellow to care that I couldn't follow TV. And today, I mostly slept, was mellow and watched Stargate and Profiler. The mellowness will probably wear off in a few weeks at the latest. But my study worries won't wear off that easily. Before my first attempt at college, I never really failed at anything that I set my mind to. I was a very good student both in sciences and languages, I made it onto the national schools debating team two years in a row, wrote a play that got performed on parents' day and was moderatly successful in sports. I was pretty much a loner in high school, but I got along with almost everyone. I didn't really have any free time, I was busy studying, playing sports and working on my pet language projects from the end of classes at 4 p.m. to lights out time at 10.15 p.m. In college both my will and ability to work hard just vanished. Now, I know that it's not my fault, but I also don't know what to do now. Sometimes, I think that I should just go ahead and try college again and if it really doesn't work out then I can always go find a job (but right now, I don't think I could handle a full time job). But other times, I think that I'm lying to myself when I think that college could work out for me. I also believe that people, including myself don't always want to know the truth. Do I really want to know whether I'm still up to the demands of attending college? Hell no, I'm better off guarding that illusion. That's a clear case of if-you-can't-stand-the-answer-then- don't-ask-the-question.

bendy - a. [from bend a band.] (her.) divided into an even number of bends; -- said of a shield or its charge. ussans.
insouciant - adj. complacent, lacking of concern, indifferent
to pounce - v. fall on, storm, invade; attack, seize, assault
squirrelly - adj. odd, eccentric, queer (British Slang)
to fizzle - v. make a hissing noise which gradually fades into silence; fail after starting well


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