February 11th, 2005


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All the while fighting off my cynical side which is telling me to get real for once and see things how they really are. Maybe I'm really just refusing to acknowledge how bad things are going. I don't know anymore.

Today wasn't that bad. I didn't achieve very much, but compared to the rest of the week, it was rather good in term of mental mess. I couln't go to the lectures, panic at the thought of just leaving the room. Three lectures and then our hours in the lab is just too much. I can't do full days. When I was working in the summer, 4 hours was about the maximum time that I could work on a day. The lab was not as bad as bad as I had feared, we actually got a decent part of the experiment done today. Although we are ten people, so technically it should be possible to work in pairs, I ended up working with Beth and Hyun. Beth pretty much didn't care that I was around and we just did different parts of the experiments. Hyun kept annoying me. He treated me like a complete idiot. I might not be as bright as some other people in the course, but I do know how to perform simple tasks like reading a thermometer and weighing out the required amount of a chemical. I said nothing until he refused to copy the notes that I had made on the part of the experiment that I had done and instead copied them from another group. I asked him what was wrong with the observations that I had made and the conclusions I had drawn.  Nothing he said. Needless to say that I spent most of the rest of the afternoon waiting for the lab time to end. Beth doen't care whether I do anything or not and Hyun seems to think that I'll mess it up anyways. I have no idea why he suddenly thinks that I'm more stupid than a loafof bread. The high point of the afternoon (and also of the entire day) was getting an old lab report from last year marked. I got an A on it.
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