Illman (illman) wrote,

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Not in the festive spirit - an inquisitive mind is an euphemism

A note of Warning: Contains teenage!angst

It's a vicious circle. Living at home I'm always helping with the shopping, even though it stresses me out muchly. Shopping takes time plus it takes time to recover from shopping. When I get stressed out by events like shopping (and currently I'm always stressed, I'm having a crisis, it's Christmas, the two have gone together for years. Luckily, my family does not a very big celebration of it and doesn't demand much involvement on my part. Still,I'm already tense, which is probably an achievment with all the stuff I'm on, and the next couple of days might be case for the Valium) On the subjet, the parentals, who muchly keep out of meds and related matters, don't like very much the fact that I use Valium and Ativan for Tremors and as occassional meds when I'm super-hyper or still having a freak out in spite of the other meds. But in spite of their disapproval, my mother utters sentences along the lines of "Go and finally take something!" rather frenquently, when I'm panicing, freaking out or pacing in the living room or just enjoying tremors on the couch.
I'm getting my familiy peoples presents mainly because it's required, personally I don't want to celebrate Christmas in this manner. With my brother, I come to a nice understanding. I asked him to download me some mp3s that I'm just to lazy to get myself and I got him a plant beause his favourite plant got too big for his room this summer.

A note of warning: It's weird that I actually care that people don't take my rambling wrong, but well I do. Just because I don't believe that all 'humans are created equal' has any truth to it, I still believe in concepts like Human Rights.

Thankfully only one more day to survive. Tomorrow we are visiting the relatives, everyone will be putting on their sane faces and their will be so many topics that are to be avoided that the conversation mainly centers around the food and everyone will be careful not to stray from the food to to eating habits. (Which range from the super-skinny aunt, cousin and me turning over the salad leaves to the very overweight aunt at the other end of the table who will already be on her second helping.)

The worst was yesterday. At least I hope that was the worst. In the morning, my mother got our second hand tree. We always get a seond hand tree because my mother wants a big tree and doesn't want to pay for it. This year we got the tree from the kindergarten which is closed over Christmas. They had the tree standing around in their entrance hall for most of December and didn't need it anymore once they closed for Christmas. At least we asked for permission this time. Last year my mother went to work on Christmas Eve to do something on the computer. Hardly anyone was there and the janitor had already chucked out the tree. It was lying in the parking lot and of course my mother figured that since nobody needed it anymore, we could as well use it.

This year the festivities were rather peaceful. I made a few comments that didn't go over too well. Especially when I commented on the pedophilic aspects of Santa Claus and certain Christmas songs. Sensitive topic around home, but I'm usually shut up in my room. Rapid topic change to place when my brother challenged me to count to 100 in primes. Now I know that he can and I can't. I got to 93 which I should have realized is of course not a prime. I used to challenge my brother on it, but nowadays I conceede that he is smarter than me, a lot smarter than me. He wins every crossword puzzle race against me, and regularily bests me in mathematecial challenges. Plus he has this whole music thing going which completly went past me. Oh, well, it's all genetics. Genetics are not good for society because we are not genetically equal, there are no equal change. And the more science discovers as genetically based, even if there are just genetically based tendency, eventually it will shake the foundations of our society: holding everyone accountable for their actions. But if it were genetics that made people more liable to violence, can you blame them in the same way that you can blame someone without genetic violent tendencies of they , say, get into a bar brawl. We'll have to give up on the false notion of equality in the future. Genetics don't make us equal, and the more we learn, the more we'll realize that we never were equal.
After that much thinking and too much eating and taking the meds too late and throwing up soon after, it was time for post-Dinner meltdown. A sobfest and a load of Taxilan/Perazin later, I was out for the next 16 hours. That stuff knocks me out better than Valium, but it produces pretty bad headaches the next day.

Meeting up with the relatives. It's off to a good start, the right people are missing, less potential to provoke an arguement. But this time there are snide lunch comments. Why can't women leave each other alone? The skinny guys have far fewer problems. Besides, as long as nobody says an anything, it's okay, but when people start picking on me, it gets on my nerves. Last summer, my co-workers picked on my because I never ate luch and just drank huge amounts of diet coke instead. But that was at a time when I was happy to manage one meal without getting sick from the meds afterwards.

I'm managing 150mg Perazin at the most because it knocks me out for 12 hours. Doc says it should be around 200 - 250mg. Only on very bad days, it totally knocks me out for almost the entire day. But 150mg makes me less scattered than 100mg, that's true, but not sure I can handle the sleeping.
Occasionally still aching muscles and joints from Lamictal, but not as bad as a week ago.
Topamax and Lamictal are still playing with my weight - hopefully I've put on at least a bit now, I did eat in any case, at least considering that I never feel like food.
As an aside: I've just done some google medical research for a fanfic - and found that three out of four meds used for that I have taken before.

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