Illman (illman) wrote,

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Another difficult day.

Again I fell asleep in a lecture and this time, it was not a boring lecture, but I was just so tired that I could not keep my eyes open. Plus, I had a massive med headache. I managed two lectures, but went back to college after that. The third one is one I already had last year and I'm comfortable with the topic, especially since we already had a tutorial on the subject and I didn't have any problems with that.

Last term, all I did in terms of school work was the required minimum. The assignments and the one bit of labwork and the labreport for that. The assignments along generate a workpile that is huge enough for me and has me busy both during the week and on the weekend for at least one day, but usually also the entire Sunday. But only doing homework doesn't mean learning a lot. Homework has always two part reading and questions/problems, so everyone does the homework while looking in the book. I don't know the stuff when you are done with homework. At least I don't and in the tutorials it seems like I'm not the only one you can't answer the question on the board without looking in my notes. For the inorganic tutorial I actually bothered to learn the stuff the tutorial had covered and for once I was not clueless.  The same goes for lectures. Some lectures are boring because they are very easy and we have already covered that material in tutorials, but most lectures, I understand the general idea, but to actually get what it is all about (or sometimes as with the current lecture course on Molecular Orbital Theory to get any idea what the lecturer is going on about), I would have to go over the notes again with a book and make some additional notes. I'm pretty sure some of the more eager people in the chem group are doing this (or they are really that much more smart and get the lecture the first time and don't need to read up on it afterwards). I noticed during the vacation how much things we had covered that I only had passing knowledge of and we are told not to just swipe stuff under the carpet this term, because in the third term there is very little material and mostly revision for the exam, so we should try to work hard now so that the third term would not be too stressful.

I'm trying but just to do the homework in time is a challenge. Mabe I'm doing it all wrong, but I can't concentrate very long, can't sit still very long. It's the meds messing with my mind. I knew that before I decided to come back. I have some confidence that I can deal with the homework, at least most of the time, even if, like this week, it is far too much. But all the other stuff, I don't think I can do this. That stresses me, I feel like I should do more, but it simply does't work. I used to be able to do insane amounts in one day. All the language stuff in high school, because I didn't have enough time during the day, I used to get up  2 hours earlier than we had to and go the the common room with my books and work until breakfast. I carried an US history book all the way up a mountain in Switzerland (you never know when you are going to have a free minute to read a few pages). The same textbook has also traveled to the Atlantic coast in France. I was sitting at the beach, reading.

But by pushing myself too far and expecting too much, I'm usually just stressing myself, because I can't do what I feel I should be able to do. Stress is bad because stress can trigger an episode and that is very, very bad. I'm seeing that first hand right now.

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