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08 February 2005 @ 10:01 pm
It's wrong to start counting the days alread  

The sobfests are back. They returned this weekend and it seems like they are going to stay a while. Suckitude. Not my fault, I know. Silly as it is, I often catch myself beating myself up for almost never being in a good mood. Not sure when was the last time I smiled. For the moment, I'm either too tired / too medicated to be in any mood to care, or I'm in a rather nasty, cynical mood. Not conducive to a social life. Not that I actually have one. Hyun is pissed off it me so completly that he has kept glarring at me for two days and ignoring any communication attempt. No idea what I did there. Em has enough trouble of her own right now.zx

After the 34% in the Physics exam, I had thought that was as low as it was going to get in the collection exams. It wasn't. Turns out I managed 29% in maths (that is somewhat my fault, I ran out of time, because I started the exam late).  More frustration today with the physics homework. Physics homework is always in the shape of an old exam, just all questions are about the same topic, but it all adds up to 100 marks like in the actual exams. I usually get around 60 - 70 % on those, after all, there is time to go over everything and look stuff up in books. On the quantum mechanics paper on which I slaved for most of last week and a pretty good part of Thursday night, I only got 24%. The conversation in the tutorial also totally confused me.
Lee handed us back our marked papers.
Lee: How did you find this week's work?
Yueyang: It was okay. The questions were pretty straight forward.
Illman: That's what I thought as well. But considering how badly I did, I guess not.
Lee: I think you did what you're capable of doing.

There was another weird bit later on. We went briefly over the topic we were supposed to cover on our own with the help of textbooks. I'm not lazy, I actually made notes on all those topics and bothered to reread them. When answered the question on which three phenomenon show the failure of classical physics. Lee was like: "See, you did learn something. This could come up in a question."

I have never felt more stupid then here at Oxford. Part of it is the meds. Topomax isn't called Stupamax for nothing, it's hell on the memory and general cognitive abilities. Anti-psychotic totally mess with thinking anyways.  And I'm probably just not smart enough.

I don't want to worry about the grades, I want to just be glad that I managed to hand in an assignment by the due date. That's difficult enough most of the time. Everyone already talks about the exams in June/July and how we have to work hard to pass them. I can't think that far ahead. The furthest I usually think is how to get through to the end of the week, sometimes just how to get to the end of the day.

minttown1 , I got mail from you today. Thank you very much! I really appreciate it.

Randomly, I finished another chapter of the epic fic (now unfortuanatly AU epic). Decided to finish it in spite of being AU now. Still not sure what to do about the bad ending. I don't like bad endings, but I wrote the those chapters in a few dark days. Besides, it would fit with what we know about the characters. A story like that can only end badly. I think you can actually already tell that there is not going to be a happy ending from the first of the four stories. (I was wide awake at 4 a.m. , so I wrote fic)

Managed to attend both lectures today, also managed to acquire dinner points. Now I can actually have dinner in Hall again.
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: Big Country - Leap Of Faith
Amberminttown1 on February 8th, 2005 11:17 pm (UTC)
:) I'm glad you got it.

Yay, fic.

I hope the rest of this starts to clear up soon. You're in my thoughts.
gledster2000gledster2000 on February 9th, 2005 02:28 am (UTC)
I'm keeping up to date with you because I care and what to help if there is any way that I can.

Sorry to hear about your low test scores, but you can maybe put it in perspective - 34% in a test at Oxford is probably 68% in a test done at York St. John (if you can follow the logic there).

I know you can keep going illman, so do so!

And yay for people sending you stuff!