Illman (illman) wrote,

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20 Days

The week ended with a low. I was already in a unstable mood and had dragged myself out of be to attend an extra Physics class only because it was being held in a small group and my absence would be noticed. It had been pointless, I had been half-asleep on the after-effects of Valium. Went back to bed right after it. I only got up again for the Inorganic tutorial to discuss the exam from back in the beginning of term. It was a horrible class and for the first time, I had trouble not to freak out in a tutorial. Normally I manage to shut out emotions long enough for a tutorial or on very rare occassions rely on the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals. First of all, the exam turned out the be the worst so far with 20%. I was somewhat shocked since I had thought that it went rather well and was pretty sure that I had passed that one. Obviously lousy judgement on my part. The rest of the class was basically the senior tutor ranting about most people being to lazy and not having grasped that they were expected to do more than just the homework, but also read the reading list to gain an in depth understanding of the subject. (some people actually do science related stuff in their 'free time' I noticed, Yuki and Hyun go open science lectures in the evenings, Ben apparently reads up on stellar chemistry, Sam and his fun prooves during lunch break). I try to work hard, but it seems that the harder I try to work, the worse I feel mentally. I get more stressed, the panic gets worse, I can't go the lectures, I can't go to the supermarket during the day because there are too many people, and I end up losing the grip on my messy mind in the evening anyways. Also majorly stressed out because I have a meeting with the tutors coming up about how my studies are coming along. They aren't really.I know what we are doing in the course, but when it come to applying that I'm at a loss.

Today was one of the better days, somewhat hopeless, but not totally bad. I got some work done and I kept the sleeping during the day to a reasonable amount. I phone Mom today. I have called her a few time in the last two weeks. The parentals are very understanding when it comes to my mental health problems and susequent academic problems. We agreed that I'll get through the next 20 days as good as I can.                

I don't want to give up. I wanted this and I have worked hard on this. But I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and realize that it isn't going anywhere anymore, that it's a dead end. Right now, I cannot even imagine passing the exam in the summer. But thinking about the future isn't good right now. One day at the time. Now it's time to calm down enough to sleep once I'm done with this entry.

As quite often lately time just runs by me without me noticing. I just space out, staring at the ceiling, the wall behind the desk or the computer screen. I don't notice that time passes, only later when I look at my watch I notice how much time has passed. Today, almost two hours went missing the intention to get up and actually doing so. I didn't fall aseep. I was already sitting in bed. It's probably just a weird trick the med cocktail is playing on my mind. Too drugged to care right now.

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