Today was one of the better days, somewhat hopeless, but not totally bad. I got some work done and I kept the sleeping during the day to a reasonable amount. I phone Mom today. I have called her a few time in the last two weeks. The parentals are very understanding when it comes to my mental health problems and susequent academic problems. We agreed that I'll get through the next 20 days as good as I can.
I don't want to give up. I wanted this and I have worked hard on this. But I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and realize that it isn't going anywhere anymore, that it's a dead end. Right now, I cannot even imagine passing the exam in the summer. But thinking about the future isn't good right now. One day at the time. Now it's time to calm down enough to sleep once I'm done with this entry.
As quite often lately time just runs by me without me noticing. I just space out, staring at the ceiling, the wall behind the desk or the computer screen. I don't notice that time passes, only later when I look at my watch I notice how much time has passed. Today, almost two hours went missing the intention to get up and actually doing so. I didn't fall aseep. I was already sitting in bed. It's probably just a weird trick the med cocktail is playing on my mind. Too drugged to care right now.