Illman (illman) wrote,

  • Mood:


It was actually one of the better days. I went to everything I was supposed to attend, went to buy food for the weekend and my laundry is in the dryer right now. Sure the two hour exam discussion class for maths was tedious and I zoned out after the first 45 minutes and I didn't study at all afterwards. Even though everything went well and looking back on the last week, I have met two of my goals entirely and I have done fairly well on the third one (I was off with the med times twice, but still better than usually).

Still, nerves and moodage went for a nosedive this evening. I have no idea why, I just feel totally overwhelmed. I know, I just have to worry about getting through the rest of the day. But even that seems like a huge task with panic lurking just around the corner. I couldn't stop crying and shaking until I took some Valium and some Akineton, the fast acting kind, not the one I normally take. Things don't seem quite that bleak anymore now and my mind has slowed down a bit. It no longer screams at me that loudly. Still tearful and trying very hard to ignore my fear of the upcoming weekend.

Although I'd really love to be home right now, I have learned one thing here. I now know that I can handle a bad evening on my own. When I have a bad evening at home, someone always stays up with me, usually my mother or when she can't, my brother, stay until I finally calm down and fall asleep. I miss that, having someone to listen to my not always rational ramblings. They are also very repetetive, it's always the same.

It's pathetic really, my list of hobbies has shrunk to almost none. The first to go was fandom, then sports, then TV. Eventually reading fanfic got boring. I'm still writing fic for a show that I'm not even watching. But who cares? I never said that I was a good writer. Life seems to center very much about illness at the moment. Not sure what to think about that. Maybe it's not such a bad thing, I still have a lot the figure out. The crazymeds website, which is an excellent website about psychiatric medications and their uses in treatment for various illnesses, states that after a major breakdown, be at the initial occurence or a recurrence of a psychotic illness, it can take years to get even close to the previous level of functionality and not everyone does get there at all. And that is if you find the combination of medication that's ideal of you. So, maybe I'm just being impatient when I feel guilty over the lack of emotional control and the lack of functionality.

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