Illman (illman) wrote,

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Another one of the negatives

Today was a fairly crappy day. Damn tired, that was what caused all the problems. I really needed to go to the bio lecture, but even with the alarm in the morning I could not get up. I always stagger around somewhat uncordinated in the morning and need a few hours to wake up, but I could not get up at 8.30. Happens. I managed to get up around 10 and revise some more for the maths exam at 10.30. Vectors and determinants, but I still couldn't solve the determinant question in section A and there was no vector question in the paper. Well, there was a partial vector question, but the other part was something I had no clue about and I was not sure about the vector part either, so I left it, besides I never even got that far, but to that later. The exam started off okay, aside from a pesky headache. But about half-way through, I started to get incredibly tired, I thought I was going to fall asleep over my paper. It was an effort to keep my eyes open. Brain capacity available for maths was rapidly declining. So I ended up writing down less than I actually knew. Not that I knew spectucularily much, but it would have been enough for a partial question in section A and at least a stab at another thing in section B. What I got together is 20% at the very best. Maybe even less. I would have asked the maths guy for more time since my tutors know about my problems with the meds, but someone else was supervising, so I just handed in what I got done. Afterwards I fell into bed and slept for five hours straight, missing the 'attendance required' maths class.

The term has not started off well. I haven't yet started any revision (I did revision in the holidays, but only calculus and I'm not done with all there is yet, there is still some stuff about partial differentiation and multiple intergrals that I need to go through. And of course practise some more.) It seems like all I have done so far is sleep, write exams, do homework and sit through tutorials. The thought of leaving the building is laready making me nervous, a sure sign that things are starting to get to me. It's only been a week and not even the end of first week yet. But this term that this also good, more time to revise left.

Our inorganic chem homework is to finish the exam, i.e. answer all the questions we couldn't do or didn't choose. I'm a bad exam taker. I could have answer quite a bit more, if I could have concentrated longer. There was stuff that could have been figured out based on what I know, even if I didn't know all of the things in the question. I could have done at least part of a second choice question and another question that I could have answered better with clearer thinking about the concept. Although even with the book, one questions still escapes me.

About the final exams in seven weeks. I'm scared that I won't pass. But I wouldn't be surprised considering how it has been going so far this year. On the other hand I think I can pass with enough preparation, the only thing that is absolutly beyond my control could be fatigue and concentration. But part of my is ambiguous about passing the exam. If I pass, then I will continue to study in Oxford and part sees problems with that. It's too stressful and aggravate mental matters. Nightly sobfests and panic attacks are neither fun nor pretty but I can stick it out, I have proven that the previous two terms. Not that it has made me a better person, if anything it has turned me into a meaner cynic. That's the part they don't tell you about. The stimulant that I take mainly to be able to study (and that often backfires and keeps me up at the wrong times ot causes headaches from hell) triggers noticable mood swings. So not good. And facing up to it, if someone barely passing the first year of college, not because of lazyness but because of reaching their limits, their chances of ever graduating are about nil.

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