indescribableI know it's not right, but I still get jealous of people going to college.
College isn't for everyone and it might not be for me. But I had always planned for college and now I see that this isn't going to work out for me. I failed fucking twice at my first year, the second time without
passing a single test. I'm not stupid and I'm not lazy. I wouldn't have gotten into Oxford Uni if I were. My first year was hell because six weeks into the academic year, I cracked up for the first time. My head isn't the same anymore, especially not with meds. Brainfog and lousy attention span. But it's also a problem that comes with the illness, the poor concentration and memory. I didn't do too much of the first first year, I dropped out pretty early on. What shocked me is that my second try, where I worked a lot harder went even worse. Not just academically, but generally. Fatigue, a few random hallucinations because the meds weren't working and susequent panic attacks had me counting the days. I never cried as much as in college. Four weeks before the final exams, I was asked to consider leaving as my academic progress during the year had been lacking. I could have stayed, taken the exam, failed in all probability and taken the retake in the fall (and failed again?). I left without taking the exam. I can retry for the exam next year, if I convince the college doctor that I'm fit and pass the semester exam. I'm scared that this was it, that I won't be up to form to study ever. I can't help feeling it is unfair. I know childish and all. Life doesn't come fair.
Read some posts regarding SGA ep Duet and realized to my horror that Space Pirates is canon toast. Especially the chapter I posted this morning does not work. So far I haven't posted the chapter to ff.net,
but I don't think I'll revise anything because this would have to go back several chapters. One of the problems of WIPs, being stuck with what's written. Major loss of inspiration there. I hate when canon runs over my plot. Happened with the Prophecy series as well.
Side effects are ganging up on my again today, it's not been my day. I haven't watched TV in the last few months expect for sports, even the shows I dl have been gathering dust on my hd, some since the last fall. At college, TV was on my personal off-limits list and I only watched on very bad nights when my brain wasn't going to do any work anyways. I got through about half the first season of SGA. I seriously need some TV tonight, or some Valium. In bed because my muscles hurt. Preferably both. And preferably I would not throw up when I drink something to swallow the Valium because I'm nauseous as hell today. Tomorrow is another day. Just on day at a time.
