Illman (illman) wrote,

  • Mood:
The computer isn't playing nice with me. My not really old wireless keyboard is dead. For a few days it was sort of sluggish, no nothing is moving anymore. I switched the batteries and checked the transmitter. It  is still working as the wireless mouse still works most of the time (but the mouse problems are not new). Now, I have to use the laptop keyboard which works only reluctanly. Some keys take a few tries before they work and the labelling has come off most of them. I'm not a good typist, I need to look at the keys on occassion to type. It's pathetic, but I couldn't stand to send the laptop away to get it fixed (unless I'm hiding under my rock, I need the 'net as connection to what's going on outside the house). Maybe I'll have it fixed in the fall when Bro is off to his six weeks maths lecture course. I could use his computer before he is off to college.

I know it's not right, but I still get jealous of people going to college.
College isn't for everyone and it might not be for me. But I had always planned for college and now I see that this isn't going to work out for me. I failed fucking twice at my first year, the second time without                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
passing a single test. I'm not stupid and I'm not lazy. I wouldn't have gotten into Oxford Uni if I were. My first year was hell because six weeks into the academic year, I cracked up for the first time. My head isn't the same anymore, especially not with meds. Brainfog and lousy attention span. But it's also a problem that comes with the illness, the poor concentration and memory. I didn't do too much of the first first year, I dropped out pretty early on. What shocked me is that my second try, where I worked a lot harder went even worse. Not just academically, but generally. Fatigue, a few random hallucinations because the meds weren't working and susequent panic attacks had me counting the days. I never cried as much as in college. Four weeks before the final exams, I was asked to consider leaving as my academic progress during the year had been lacking. I could have stayed, taken the exam, failed in all probability and taken the retake in the fall (and failed again?). I left without taking the exam. I can retry for the exam next year, if I convince the college doctor that I'm fit and pass the semester exam. I'm scared that this was it, that I won't be up to form to study ever. I can't help feeling it is unfair. I know childish and all. Life doesn't come fair.

Read some posts regarding SGA ep Duet and realized to my horror that Space Pirates is canon toast. Especially the chapter I posted this morning does not work. So far I haven't posted the chapter to,                               
but I don't think I'll revise anything because this would have to go back several chapters. One of the problems of WIPs, being stuck with what's written.  Major loss of inspiration there. I hate when canon runs over my plot. Happened with the Prophecy series as well.

Side effects are ganging up on my again today, it's not been my day. I haven't watched TV in the last few months expect for sports, even the shows I dl have been gathering dust on my hd, some since the last fall. At college, TV was on my personal off-limits list and I only watched on very bad nights when my brain wasn't going to do any work anyways. I got through about half the first season of SGA. I seriously need some TV tonight, or some Valium. In bed because my muscles hurt. Preferably both. And preferably  I would not throw up when I drink something to swallow the Valium because I'm nauseous as hell today. Tomorrow is another day. Just on day at a time.

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