I agreed to play around with the meds. Not that there is that much to lose. Sure there is all sorts of misery to be had, but there remains going back, which, again, I asked, is a possibility, if this doesn't work out. Because I do not want to be pushed from med to med like in the beginning. I am not expecting much from the new combination that we are about to try because we essentially have been there before, just at a different dosage. Still doc instists giving it a try at a higher dosage. Right now, I'm on 4mg Risperal, 600mg Topamax, 300mg Lamictal, 150mg Effexor, 100mg-400mg Provigil  plus my occassional Valium. Last year we tried to do without the Topamax, but by then I was at 50mg Lamictal and Geodon instead of Risperdal. That did not work. On the upside, I did not wake up groggy and with a headache, like I do on Topamax and the exhaustion was much better, but my behaviour and emotions were not under control. Skeptical about all this. Not all amused about the dosing down either. That's never fun. I vividly remember the mood swings, sweats and the tremors. Since I didn't agree to the hospital stay I get to have that pleasure at home. At least this time, I have some good drugs to deal with the effects. There is Valium (although I'm not taking any for a week, now at four days. Trying not to get addicted, so not using regularily.) and now again the blue stuff, Lorazepam. Not dealing well with all this.

The whole med thing is majorly stressing me out. A lot of it is being scared of losing control.


I saw 'Elevated' today. I didn't get the point, except that I had the impression that there wasn't anything there to get. In fact it didn't play out too surprisingly, even the ending, giving it all an irreal touch was foreseeable. Most elements were pretty generic from the horror genre. But it did okay with the elements and while the plot was certainly not the most original, it was very well excuted. Except for the blood. That had me nearly laugh. There was just too much of it. It was pooling, dripping, staining and soaking. Especially the blood dripping down the walls did me in. Still glad to have picked this up more or less accidentally. I rented 'Cypher' (still haven't finished watching that) and among the stuff on the DVD was 'Elevated'. Will watch it again with the audio commentary. Maybe there was some point to get after all ;)

Heh, after watching some of the audio commentary, I got to the bit where the director said 'I wanted a lot of blood' lol