Illman (illman) wrote,

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I had a long stretch of good days, productive days. But the last few days have been an up and down of events that have been a bit much. On Saturday, one of my birds died. He has been my borther's and my pet for 12 years. Smarty was our first bird, we got it right after moving to Germany. For company we got another bird, Sweety, a few months later. Somewhere along the line, our neighbours had a stray exotic bird fly in their window. Little , of unknown species, joined our birds for a short time. We put up flyers and put an ad in the paper but nobody came forwad. Little died after a few weeks. Smarty and Sweety never got along, so I decided to get one of those huge cages (6 foot high, 3 foot deep, 6 foot wide) that take up half a wall and got two birds of undeterminted age from the animal shelter. Green and Lady Blue. All except Smarty came to me as adults of unknown ages. Green was the first to die of old age. Sweety had been epileptic from the start, but his seizures got so bad we had to put him down. Nowfor months I have been worrying about Lady Blue sitting apathetically on her branch, now I worry about her being all alone. I'm not good with people, but I love my pets. Unfortunately pets with hair are out of the question because of allergies.

On Sunday I'm going to meet with a breeder to check out birds. I don't want Lady Blue to be alone. I hope I make it to the guy on Sunday. I'm having bad panic attacks again and the agoraphobia is acting up again.
Today is bad. Fear is having a tight grip on me. I took 8 pills of valium to get to the store this morning. After that I fell asleep for a couple of hours. Now the panic is creeping back on. I used to have thisback in college, two weeks of trembling panic keeping me indoors.

It's not my day. Since I went into the psych hospital last fall, a lot has gotten better for me. It was a hard time at the hospital but I really got better. But today, everything seems to hurt.

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