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10 February 2006 @ 06:32 pm
The dreaded month of February has arrived. This month I need to tackle the Oxford issue. It is not that I don't know what I want, it is that reality is not playing along. I'm having fewer side effects now and I'm slightly better in Maths and Chemistry, that is the only thing that has changed. But I'm probably just as unstable, hyper and phobic as a year ago. And sligtly better is still not good enough, there is still a whole lot of preparation before me. If I even get got. My parents and the doc that I used to see think that I should leave Oxford be. The doc that I'm seeing now is seeing improvment in my phases and thinks they'll continue to even out further with the meds I'm currently on. I'm not sure what to think, I had some longer good times with the new meds than I had in a long time, but there have been a few really bad weeks, I have been that depressed only once before and honestly never wanted to go there again. The best thing had been that I have been able to do more and concentrate longer, I have gotten into writing fic again and my online course work is going fine. I have finished all course assignments for this month, I just need to print and send them.

The whole thing is stressing me to no end. There is not enough Valium to fix my nerves at the moment. I'm afraid and excited at the same time. The current invasion plan is to discuss
the issues with Doc H. then talk to the college people about their evaluation (They want an evaulation from the college doctor, but there is a piece of Atlantic ocean between me and the college doctor's office, Maybe there is a way around that, or get it later in the year when the trimester actually begins thus saving the money on a two-way flight.)

Originally, my tutor said that I would have to pass the evalutation and might have to pass an academic test. If there is going to be an academic test, I want to know about it. So I guess, I will have to call someone from the college today or next week. I have the phone number of my tutor scribbled somewhere on a piece of paper, the same with the college doc's number. I could use the senior tutors phone number. The college has a search database, and I have a guy who I think is the senior tutor (I doesn't say what he does in the damn directory), I hate using the phone in English as it is.


Yay! I found the letter from the senior tutor from last summer, it has his phone number and the phone number of the accomodations office (they gave me a call this week about how it was looking with my return) in it.

What to do with it? God this is killing me. Better write more fic before I start to cry again for a the tenth time today. I'm probably crazy for real.
Amberminttown1 on February 10th, 2006 07:55 pm (UTC)
You're not crazy.

Whatever you decide, just do what feels right for you. You'll be in my thoughts.
Illmanillman on February 15th, 2006 09:05 pm (UTC)
Thanks. You know I admired that you had the courage to change your subject of study. It takes a lot of character to admit that you made a wrong choice.
gledster2000gledster2000 on February 11th, 2006 11:31 am (UTC)
Oh illman I can see the quandry you are in. If it was me I would opt for the easier life. Stay in Germany, stick with the meds and if improvement is happening, let it happen. The fact that you are considering going back to Oxford at all is a testement to your character and how dedicated you are to the idea of learning more and improving yourself.

Good luck whatever you decide.
Illmanillman on February 15th, 2006 09:04 pm (UTC)
Maybe you are right. I should appreciate the improvement more, I guess. I just love science and learning very much. I always wanted to be a scientist or a doctor. I have since realized that I probably wouldn't make a good doctor (not so good with people), so I'd love to be a scientist.
(Deleted comment)
Illmanillman on February 15th, 2006 09:01 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Optimism seems hard sometimes, but without it I wouldn't know what to do.